Epic Games on verge of breaking into pyramid where all sellable copies of Jazz 2 were hidden by ancient evil mummy

Posted:: 1 Apr 2016 at 07:27

LATE-BREAKING NEWS: Epic Games has just posted to their exclusive Google Wave feed that they are just a few days away from opening the door into the cursed pyramid where they stored all the remaining copies of Jazz Jackrabbit 2. “I’m so excited!” said George Broussard, who probably was never an employee of Epic Games but who has a really cool last name and wanted to be interviewed anyway. “1998 was a big year for storing games in cursed pyramids, and I think we in the industry all learned some lessons from the experience, that maybe should have been obvious, but this is a great opportunity for us all to return to our dark, secret, forbidden past!”

“I agree,” said Cliff Bleszinski, who spoke with Jazz 2 Online on the condition it be made clear he has no remaining connection to Epic Games and moreover never did and anyway he thinks Jazz should have had antlers to assist in his pimping duties. “It’s fascinating looking back at how all video game companies used to think nothing of sealing their most beloved products away in the tombs of long-dead rulers with the propensity to inflict instant leprosy upon anyone who disturbed them. Nowadays we just use DRM for that.”

Epic Games official spokesman Sweeney Todd hastened to add that now that there was only maybe a 66% chance of interlopers turning to molten stone and being forced to watch their limbs slowly fall away one by one, copies of Jazz 2 would be available for sale on Steam, GOG, Desura, and the Windows Play Store as soon as the dark gods willed it so, or else Tuesday at the latest. “Really it’s a no-brainer at this point,” Todd concluded. “We were all very afraid of the ancient prophecies of worldwide plague and suffering, but now that that’s nearly taken care of, there’s literally no other reason in the world we wouldn’t want to provide a legal means for people in the 21st century to gain access to games that we all worked on together for years and are still played today.”

When an intrepid reporter pointed out that selling Jazz 2 on digital platforms does not actually require physical materials and in theory could have been done at any time over the last any number of years, Todd expressed doubt and confusion and blocked the reporter on Twitter.

- Violet CLM